How To Be A Bastard Promoter

• 25th Jan 2008

There was a point, in the very distant past (last year) that I actually tried to be a real promoter. Like, as a job type thing. I know! EVERYONE is a promoter these days aren't they? It's like, DIY has gone, like, DIY.

In my defence, the conversation that convinced me it would be a good idea went something like this:
Me: “I have done your press releases for this new venue that you are opening, Mr Venue Boss Sir”
Mr Venue Boss Sir: “Very good. We need an unsigned band promoter.”
Me: “I know someone who would be good at that, here is his number”
Mr Venue Boss Sir: “Why don't you do it?”
Me: “Because I would be shit”
Mr Venue Boss Sir: “No you wouldn't”
Me: “Yes I would”
Mr Venue Boss Sir: “Go on”
Me: “No thank you”
Mr Venue Boss Sir: “Go on, it's easy”
Me: “No thank you”
Mr Venue Boss Sir: “Go on”
Me: “I'd love to”

So, not something I'd had my heart set on for more than 30 seconds before accepting the offer, but I love music, right? And I get on well with most people, yeah? I bet it'll even be fun!

Big. Mistake.

What a horrible business. I've now firmly drawn a line under putting on any gigs – except possibly the odd one-off charity thing in the future *if* it's going to be a serious amount of fun.

I can honestly say I've never felt more uncomfortable in my life than when I've had a disagreement with anyone over a bad gig, or taken any money for a good one. If I really like the band it feels wrong, and if I don't give a shit about the band that's almost worse. Plus there are all those fragile egos to deal with, and on a bad day it's hard to sympathise with a Fisherprice Towers of London about their place on the bill and the fact that they can't hear each other properly onstage to harmonise their shouting.

Matwerk tried his best to train me up to be A Bastard Promoter, but thankfully it turns out I'm a little bit too much of a hippy for the Ong school (first lesson, double karate, for when someone tries to put too many names on the guestlist). We didn't fall out though, because we were never friends in the first place.

Of course, it gives you a very interesting perspective on the different ways bands treat you depending on whether you're talking to them as a promoter or a hack, which is still a useful thing to know. I'm even more aware now of the bands who are genuinely lovely people, which is up there with 'make nice noises' in my book of motivations for shouting about them.

But anyone whose love of music is their sole motivation for promoting would be well advised to think twice before sullying their purest of intentions with this bizarre activity. I wouldn't necessarily say don't do it, but at least be prepared to deal with the downside. You'll fall out with bands you love, you'll stress about gigs you'd otherwise look forward to, and you'll feel dirty getting paid when you haven't played. Worst of all, art becomes business, and if you're not prepared for that transition – as I wasn't, coming from a writing background – it's quite a shock.

I think I'll stick to what I'm good at – writing about the stuff, offering a floor and a sightseeing guide to tourers, passing on numbers, and keeping well away from the business end. I'll leave Mat to deal with that.

(P.S the picture does not in any way echo my sentiments – well, apart from a couple of times – but I thought it was funny)