How to Save Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and Other Drug-Addled Self-Destructeroids

• 28th Jan 2008

Blake Fielder-Civil is seriously concerned that his wife, the newly blonde Amy Winehouse, will cark it within the next five months. And so am I. She's looking very spindly these days.

Spindliness is never a good sign. Just look at the late great spindly Karen Carpenter; she was very spindly. Kurt Cobain? Spindly.

Pete Doherty is another fine example. You can tell when Pete's clean of the crack because he goes a bit fat. But when he falls off the wagon, it's Spindliville Central.

Spindliness is the rockstar's Achilles Heel. That and the drugs.

The most obvious problems with drugs are: 1) They're addictive to the wrong sort of person; 2) they create and promote abusive hierarchies within their creation and distribution; 3) they ravage the body; 4) they seriously affect your ability to drive a car; and 5) like it or not, their exotic nature will always make them 'cool'.

What solution, then, will A) stop addicts buying drugs; B) give the body time to recover; C) keep addicts out of cars; and D) demystify their glamorous nature?

I'll tell you what will do all these things and more, The Bubble Chair.

This is my idea: From now on, each time a rockstar gets caught with a load of crack, rather than a stint in rehab or prison, they get five miles in The Bubble Chair.

Essentially, The Bubble Chair is a customised wheelchair with a piston-fired dildo beneath the seat. With each wheel rotation, the dildo makes an up and down motion. You confine aforementioned guilty rockstar to the chair for a set mileage as opposed to duration.

For example, John Q. Ukulele gets caught with a pocketful of Class A drugs and he's given a five mile stint in The Chair. A mechanical counter on the back of The Chair counts each wheel rotation and once the prescribed distance has been covered, the manacles confining the prisoner automatically release him/her.

Quite frankly, I think the sight of Pete Doherty being systematically buggered by an angry commode on wheels will trouble even the most hard-faced nihilist. It would certainly put them off drugs.

But what about repeat offenders? Simple: for each subsequent crime, the length and girth of The Bubble Chair's dildo will be increased. As will the mileage. (A drawn face is one thing, but a saggy arsehole is another.)

Of course, there will be some crazies who get off on their punishment. Maybe Keith Richards will be caught smashing up a garage in Slough and as the police drag him into the back of a van, onlookers will hear him cry, “Give me The Chair! I want The Chair!”

Unfortunately, there's just no helping some people.