Snow White And The Huntsman Review

28th May 2012

This year it seems films about Snow White are like buses. You wait ages for a new one to come out and then two come along at once. The first was Tarsem Singh’s camp, brightly coloured romp (the Filmwerk review of which you can peruse at your leisure here http://www.filmwerk.co.uk/2012/03/27/mirror-mirror-review/) staring newcomer and eyebrow trend setter Lily Collins as the eponymous Snow. The second is Rupert Sander’s altogether darker, grittier take on the tale staring the vampish (see what I did there?) Kristen Stewart, or as I like to call her; Mumbles.

Having sat down to watch Snow White and the Huntsman, there is one burning question on my mind. What the fuck was the casting director thinking?! Who in their right mind would ever believe that Kristen “Mumbles” Stewart is fairer than Amazonian goddess Charlize Theron? Even with her atrocious aging make-up Charlize is easily the most beautiful woman in this film. Not only could I not get over the fact that Stewart is no where near as lovely as Theron, I also couldn’t get over the fact that patiently her hair is not as black as ebony (it’s reddish brown), her lips are not as red as rubies (or blood depending on which fairy tale you’re reading) and her skin is not as white as snow. She’s got a fucking tan! Are they really telling me that in the whole ofHollywood they couldn’t find some other starlet to fit this bill? It’s not just that I don’t think Stewart is unattractive, it’s that I think she’s a one note actress, completely incapable of emoting, inspiring love and devotion in anyone (which is supposed to be the key to Snow’s very survival) or delivering a line with conviction.

Sorry to launch into such a character assassination of a young actress, but I really think that she’s undeservedly been moved to the A-list based purely on the commercial success of the Twilight franchise, which in and of itself is a bloated, overblown and thoroughly boring exercise in teaching young women that love isn’t love unless it’s co-dependent. It would be great if she followed her co-star R-Patz and did more indie cinema. She was good in Adventureland (well, she didn’t mumble). She needs to stop doing juggernaughts and go away, learn her craft, take smaller parts and then come back to the A-list. She won’t do that of course, and who am I to give career advice to anyone. It’s worth saying however, that as much as I hated her in this role, and as badly cast as she was, at least she can do a convincing English accent. I’ve got to give her something, and that was it. She can do the accent.

There are however, a number of other things about this film which cement its position as worst film I’ve seen so far this year. Let’s talk about the special effects. I’ve been told that this film cost $70 million to make, which isn’t really a lot in summer blockbuster terms. The problem is that they’ve got too many effects shots and not enough budget. The result is that quite a few of the shots are dreadful, the worst being one of those face morphing shots, as Theron turns back into Ravenna after tempting Snow with the poisoned apple. It’s terrible, I thought after Michael Jackson’s video for Black or White every schmoo with a computer could do that technique and do it well. Not so here. What makes it stand out even more as a bad shot is that it’s immediately followed by a good shot of Hemsworth taking a swing at Ravenna who turns into a conspiracy of ravens’ that fly away. You’ll have seen that shot, it’s in the trailer and is frankly one of the only well done effects shots in the film. Perhaps they blew the budget shrinking the normal sized actors playing the dwarfs. Couldn’t they just hire some actors of smaller stature? Surely there are smaller actors who are capable of carrying these roles – look at how brilliant Peter Dinklage is in Game of Thrones. It’s not even like the dwarfs are in it for very long. Did they really need Bob Hoskins and Toby Jones?

Another issue is that the director seems to have stolen scenes wholesale from other films. Now, I know that Tarantino does that kind of thing, and I would never criticize him for it, but that’s because he’s brilliant. Rupert Sander’s sadly is not. There is one scene that is pretty much a note for note a rip off from Legend, the friend I saw this with said he would be interested to hear the director’s commentary of the film if only so that he could laugh when Sander’s describes this moment as his “homage” to the classic. It’s not just that; it’s terribly Lord of the Rings in places, and not in a good way because you immediately compare it to the multi-Oscar winning series and it doesn’t come up smelling of roses. All of the fairies look and move like Gollum; there is a completely pointless “walking up a snowy mountain” scene; and I swear at one point they were in Fangorn Forest. Worst still, in one scene the “musical” dwarf seems to be playing the theme from Titanic. Dreadful.

There are some good things of course. Chris Hemsworths’ left pectoral muscle gets an airing for no good reason I can see, other than to stop me from walking out. He also makes a good stab at a Scottish accent, although whose decision it was for The Huntsman to be Scottish when no-one else in the cast was, I have no idea. There is also a tragically underused San Clafin who I have loved ever since The Pillars of the Earth and I want nothing but good things for. But that’s about it folks. I could talk at length about how ridiculous it is that having been held captive in a tower for the better part of a decade Snow somehow knows how to dance, ride a horse and wield a sword. She’s so weak looking I don’t believe for a moment she could even lift one, let alone hold her own, untrained in a mêlée. Snow has a Braveheart type rallying speech to her troops on the eve of battle where she, in the most impassioned (or as impassioned as Stewart can achieve) tones she implores them to follow her. They are all “captivated” and bow before her swearing to follow her into battle and beyond. Suffice to say, that woman couldn’t get me to follow her to Topshop, let alone into a battle against magical and un-killable soldiers who seem to be made of glass.

Finally, I have to tell you about one scene which made the entire audience in my screening laugh out loud. After her “daring” escape from ~~Helm’s Deep~~ Ravenna’s castle, Snow plunges into the rough sea from the rocks above (like that bit in New Moon) and swims to a rocky outcrop (like that bit in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince) and then to shore, where she finds waiting for her, for no reason whatsoever, a pure white horse. Absurd. We were rolling in the aisles.

When I’ve spat such vitriol at this film, you might question why I’m giving it two stars. The simple answer is that it gets one star for virtue of being a movie with a clear narrative structure, and it gets one additional star for Chris Hemsworth’s left pectoral muscle. What can I say, I’m shallow.