Hansel And Gretel Review

• 20th Jun 2013

Two children stand alone in a darkened forest. Abandoned by their father and left to the whims of the wood, they eventually stumble upon a cottage that appears to be made from, yes, gingerbread. They promptly begin tearing chunks off the roof. Enter witch, oven…you know the rest.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is pretty much what it says. The two lost children from the Grimm story of old are all grown up and following the rather testing career option of witch slaying. A medieval forested village has been stricken down with a plague of disappearing children courtesy of the local witches. Enter the head-butting, steampunk-weapon wielding, heroic siblings to save the day (Terry Gilliam’s The Brothers Grimm, anyone?). At some point the pair was obviously let loose in the costume department for Van Helsing and they have generally been given an all-over sexy conversion to badass warrior-types, with a substantial helping of huge, ridiculous weapons (including, astonishingly, a Tesla-inspired defibrillator).

The two leads, Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner, are embarrassed and wooden respectively; spouting some of the worst, most melodramatic dialogue I have heard for some time and generally looking uncomfortable in their leather armour. Given Wirkola’s commitment to show the pair as dangerous and violent, why have Gretel being saved from the witch’s grasp by the puny local fanboy (Thomas Mann)? Annoying. Peter Stormare turns up as the town mayor, and despite my soft spot for him, the only remarkable about him is that he appears to have wandered on to the set as the same character he seems to play in everything. Famke Janssen, as the head witch responsible for the missing children, pretty much lets the CGI facial morph do all her work for her (the actress has freely admitted this was merely a payday film).

It’s violent, sure. Violence is good. It can be funny, exciting. So what happened here? There are occasional copious amounts of blood thrown about the place, just as there are some pretty graphic CGI witch-deaths. But it’s all too fake and we have seen it all before. There is no fairytale charm or magic, not to mention any attempt at all to make any of it scary or horrific. It comes off as one big jolly fight. Chase scenes are injected with so little adrenalin you would be forgiven for dozing off. Note to writer/director Tommy Wirkola: including a smattering of swears does not make suddenly turn your film into something for adults. His efforts to create a “rock n’ roll…full throttle” film have stripped it of any charm at all. While The Brothers Grimm was a very flawed film, Gilliam didn’t just plunder a fairytale for its storyline alone. He worked to include some of the whimsical, magical elements, creating an altogether more enchanting world than Wirkola’s dingy forest.

So there are plenty of fights. A massive troll. Witches galore. Naked bathing from Renner and an attractive local. Magic. Blood. A mysterious past. This should all add up to a gripping, fun film. Instead, it is flat, humourless and charmless.

Hansel & Gretel should have been right up my alley. It sounded good on paper but unfortunately is not fun, or funny enough, to be successful without any real darkness. It’s preposterous. It’s definitely uncomfortable for the stars. It’s not very entertaining. How I wish that first witch had managed to eat the pair of them.

 Hannah Turner