G.I. Joe: Retaliation Review

28th Mar 2013

Set your expectations to zero and you might just be able to sit through this drivel.

So plot summery, hmm… ok well the American President plots to blow up the world with nuclear weapons. But then he doesn’t want to do that, but wait he does. Or is he the President? Some people are broken out of prison, but some people aren’t, I can’t remember why. Too many people are wearing black. I guess someone was retaliating about something that happened in the past (yes, I saw the first one, but guess what – I don’t remember anything about it). You know what – it’s not important. Plot = women, explosions, guns and The Rock.

The story is so, so ridiculous there is no point in getting engaged with it. The people involved are so hammy, wooden and the performances so forced, you’ll end up feeling sorry for them. At one point, I started thinking, ‘you know what, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, is a pretty good actor, I’m actually engaging with his character, looking forward to him being on screen…’. Then I realised that was because everyone else was so terrible that he became a welcome relief from them.

I never try to over-analyse films that don’t deserve it, but on this occasion I’ve decided to delve into it a bit. Firstly, Lady Jaye – which straight off the bat sounds like a porn name anyway – was the (sole) female cast member and therefore charged with flying the flag for women everywhere. An elite soldier, she was used in two scenes basically for her T and A. Fine, I expect that – I’ve seen Transformers, I get your target audience. But then we got this ridiculous plotline about a Father who never respected her because he didn’t respect a woman in uniform – to which she responded to in a scene with her T and A pretty much being the visual focus of the screen. Early on in the film there’s a line delivered by some moron-jock soldier, who cops an eyeful at Lady Jaye carrying her obligatory big gun. ‘Girls and Guns’ he says, but who is this a wink and nudge to – the audience? We are not on your side, moron-jock. I shudder at Lady Jaye and all of its inferences and I know that this gives the film to much credit, but there’s no plot for me to complain about so this is taking my attention for now.

In fairness it wasn’t just Lady Jaye who got this treatment, there was a gratuitous ripping-off-shirt scene involving Storm Chaser (it doesn’t matter if this isn’t his name), revealing a dazzling set of pecs. I say dazzling because they’d been oiled up to such a degree that you needed shades to stare at them, NOT in a good way. He looked like a basted turkey and it was so out of place and just a little bit creepy. It was also weirdly nobbly anyway.

Without doubt, the most crushingly disappointing things about the film was Bruce Willis. Not because of Bruce Willis on screen, but because he’s hardly on screen at all. This is the second film I’ve seen where Bruce Willis is on the cast list, he’s predominantly in the poster and guess what – he’s not really in the film. By far the most cynical device the film has used to get people in to see the film. People like myself, die-hard Bruce Willis fans (see what I did there), go into films like this for one reason alone – Bruce. And all were served up is a bunch of forgettable faces, a non-existant plot and just bone-crushing boredom.

I’m giving it one for Bruce. That’s it.