News

Top Ten Angry Christmas Anthems

• 13th Dec 2010

Everywhere you turn at the minute you're getting Christmass cheer and sleigh bell filled songs shoved down your throat. As a rest from the usual suspects here's my top ten angry Christmas Anthems.

10. No Christmas While I’m Talking – The Walkmen
Damn right there isn’t! At this time of year I like to say ‘God bless you’ to The Walkmen for crafting the perfect accompaniment to any yuletide rant. Beginning with a glowering swell of guitar and organ, the song twists and turns about Hamilton Leithauser’s pained singing with zero percussive accompaniment: you’ll be hard pressed to swing your hips to it as you decorate the tree.

9. River – Joni Mitchell
With its constant refrain of ‘I wish I had a river I could skate away on,’ this is the malcontent’s Christmas anthem. It may be that time of year when joy and goodwill flow from the hearts of mankind, but Joni’s on hand to remind us that emotional torment doesn’t abate in accord with the calendar. Call her Moany Bitchell if you will, but the lady makes a fine point.

8. 15 Feet of Pure White Snow – Nick Cave
I’d hate to be a guest at the Cave residence over Crimbo. Do you think Ol’ Nick gathers the family round the upright to bash out the Tubular Bells/Exorcist accompaniment to this song and sing ‘Doctor doctor I’m a goin’ mad, this is the worst day I’ve ever had’? Actually, that sounds fantastic: Nick can take bass and I’ll struggle along with the tenor.

7. Soft As Snow (But Warm Inside) – My Bloody Valentine
Essentially this is ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ with a belly full of valium and a hooter crammed with ketamine; during a lull in lunchtime conversation you might do well to put it on and make that very remark to your more distant relatives.

6. Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis – Tom Waits
Oh of course it starts cheerfully enough – “Charlie I’m pregnant…stopped doing dope, drinking whiskey,” but by the time Mr. Waits has sung “Everyone I’ve ever known is either dead or in prison,” you’ll probably be thanking your lucky stars that your Christmas correspondents spare you the gory details.

5. Ain’t No Santa Claus On The Evenin’ Stage – Captain Beefheart
‘But why ever not?’ you may well inquire, ‘how else shall Santa be disposed this evening?’. Sadly, if its answers you’re after, the good Captain can offer us little in explanation. This incredibly creepy song grumbles along in a mania where the Nativity Play and Santa collide into a nightmarish landscape. “Down in hominy’s grotto there’s ah soul die’n ‘n leavin’” sings the Captain. Hum.

4. Christmas Blues – Canned Heat
“It’s Christmas time pretty baby but it’s raining in my heart,” if everyone else has gone to bed then load up with a few more fingers of bourbon and weep bitterly into your mittens.

3. Christmas at the Zoo – The Flaming Lips
It’s a time to think of others, whether they walk on two legs or four. Yes, in a brilliant inversion of the ‘for life, not just for Christmas’ pet-care ethic, Mr. Coyne and co. recommend busting into your local animal prison and releasing the captives. By the time Chicken Run has come on the telly, you’ll be clambering for your balaclava and wire cutters.

2. Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow/Nanook Rubs It – Frank Zappa
Think of it as a much shorter alternative to ‘A Christmas Carol’. It never bores what with it’s Eskimo protagonist, cast of seal-clubbers and bombastic guitar soloes; huddle round the fire and let Uncle Frank regale you. Take it from me, you’ll never eat yellow snow again!

1. Christmas Steps – Mogwai
The real unadulterated beauty of this number, as with most Mogwai tracks in the 10 minute plus category, is that when you first sneak it on the sound system nobody will really notice it. In fact as the plaintive guitars slowly rise in volume, your auntie might remark ‘Ooh, this is nice.’ By the time the drums come in everyone’s going to be feeling pretty distressed; but hey, it’s Christmas for Christ’s sake, let’s all do the Christmas Steps!