Nautical Disaster Destroys Future of Local Heritage

• 23rd Mar 2007

The Mersey and National music industry was last night dealt a severe blow to its long term survival hopes when a ferry carrying up to 200 members of the thriving community sank in the River Mersey.

Still unclear how this occurred it is believed to have been caused by music of some sort.
The scale of this tragedy is yet to be felt by the community but memorials are being scheduled to take place over the next three months.

Local venue managers, promotors, film crew, management staff, journalists, groupies, musicians, producers, technicians and engineers were the majority of those believed to have been on board the Daffodil ferry that sank in the late hours of Thursday night.

After a performance by hardcore outfit SSS, it is believed that various stabilizing bollards on the ships hull were cracked and ruptured. Despite efforts from the crew to steer the ship to land, control over the rudder could not be regained and the ship went down one mile from the shore.

It is thought as the boat went down Hot Club De Paris played out their set, climaxing in a romantic rendition of ‘Shipwrecked’.

The famous ferry had previously hosted wild raves from Garlands, Chibuku and the Sex Pistols but had “never felt anything like this before.”

Hopes now of rescuing survivors are gone. Police however refused to comment on reports that two members of the SSS fanbase ‘windmilled’ themselves to shore. Reports are sketchy and although witnesses from land saw two hooded and tattooed men emerging from the waters it is thought that no one has ever swam a mile in the Mersey unaided. Police have rubbished claims that drugs save lives, in this case amphetamines and steroids.

The coast guard was rendered helpless to have any effect on the disaster apparently arriving too late on the scene.

Liverpool spokesperson and musician Phil Collins said, “We lost a large segment of the local scene this night and we should strive to ensure this never happens again. The lethal combination of ferry boats and hardcore should be banned…permanently!”

James Barton, founder of Cream and organizer of the Knowsley Hall music festival said, “At least the Zutons weren’t on board!”

Thrashgigs have long been bloody affairs and combining the math-indie talents of Hot Club de Paris appeared a stroke of genuine genius to unite factions and scenes from different genres. It has however proven fatal on this occasion for more than one group of young talented people, musicians, fans and creative youths alike. It is a sad and tragic loss; the repercussions of this will be felt for years to come. The world will still turn, CDs will keep burning, but these people will never be forgotten. They were there that bitterly cold night on the Mersey. May they Rest In Peace. May the Devil have mercy on their souls.

Thrashgig organizer and SSS frontman, Foxy had this to say, “blub, blobber, bubble.”

Tony from the Zanzibar offered his condolences, “F**k ‘em, c**ts!”

Cold-hearted Gordon Brown said, “Their skills will be missed but their egos will not be.”

A crazy person said, “I have been down to the mariner already to throw my nan’s sapphire to the mermaids.

A fan who missed the gig due to other failed public transport said, “I heard Go Faster slept with the fishes but this is tragic news.”

Picture: The innocent gig-goers upon the departure from port.

(Report loosely based on real events)